I Don't Want Anything

I'm in this weird place right now where there's nothing I want. I mean material things. I want a baby, duh, but that's IT. I've been this way for the past 6 months or so.

I used to love shopping, I used to like getting new clothes or new things for the house, etc. I just don't want anything material anymore.

This doesn't mean I don't spend money, I do, on food, doctor's appointments, and some travel/recreation. It adds up, so it's not like I have a ton of extra money lying around. (Our doctors co-pays are $40 each time and when you go 3 times/week, that adds up REAL fast.)But I went to the mall recently and HATED it. I couldn't wait to get out. Yesterday I "shopped" a bit in downtown Frederick, and there were so many adorable shops with really unique items that I once would have wanted to buy, but I didn't at all. I have no desire to brings more items into the house. I have enough. This doesn't mean everything we own is the nicest or that our house is perfect, but I'm just content now. A few months ago I really wanted to go through our house to-do list and fix up more of our house and now it just doesn't matter to me anymore.

I think the last year has changed me. Infertility has put everything in perspective. Who cares about money and clothes and cars? I really just don't. What matters is health and relationships. Maybe I'm just drained because I put all of my energy into constant infertility related treatments and thoughts, and there's no energy or "desire" left? Maybe it's making me boring.

In the movie No Impact Man (which I wrote about awhile back), the wife gives up shopping for a year, after being a serious shopaholic. She gets used to it rather quickly and likes the change. But she says she misses the "wanting". The thrill of wanting something and finding it and getting it. I understand that.

Phil always says, "What do you want? What can I buy you?" It makes him so happy to dream about things he wants to buy someday. And I used to do that a lot. In fact, it used to be a nice distraction to think about material things, having "frivolous" thoughts. A lot of girls on my message board like to shop to distract themselves from IF. But it doesn't work for me anymore.

I don't know what the point is to this post, but I guess the bottom line is that I feel like a totally different person than I was when we began TTC.

I don't relate to a lot of the people we know anymore. I'm in a totally different life stage and going through things most people never have to go through. Maybe that makes me a little bitter? My friends are out drinking at a bar and my husband's giving me a shot in the stomach? From what I've read about infertility, people say that even years later, even if they have a few kids of their own, they have this resentment that stays with them toward "fertiles." It's obviously not fair, and it doesn't mean you'd wish IF on anyone. It's just that you keep this awareness of what separates you.

I obviously need enough money to survive on, but I don't care, at ALL, about being rich. As I look for potential jobs for the Fall I'm not looking for the highest paying options. Maybe that's weird. Maybe someday I'll go back to the person I once was. I don't know.

The bottom line is that happiness is the most important thing, and it's really hard to attain that when you can't have what's most important to you, and it's completely out of your control.