Random Ramblings

11w1d

So happy to be almost out of first tri. I am so happy to be here, but I'm still holding onto the bitterness of infertility. I know that's not uncommon for those who went through it. Pregnancy announcements still give me a sick feeling, and I still feel resentment towards "Fertiles". It's like, as happy as I am to be here, I still feel like I had to dedicate 2 years of my life to get here and that's just not fair. I know I need to focus on the positive!

Phil thinks it's stupid when I play the "why me" game, but really, why?

According to statistics, we should have been pregnant within the first 6 months of trying.

According to statistics, our first pregnancy would not have resulted in miscarriage.

According to statistics, I would have have had to experience that huge bleeding scare yesterday.

I'm only 25.

I know I had a pretty good life, but do people "deserve" to go through a hardship like infertility? It really makes you question faith and the ways of the universe. Do people HAVE to experience something really bad to appreciate the good? Will I appreciate my twins more because of what I had to go through to have them? I don't know. Maybe.

There's no real point in this post. I am SO HAPPY to be where I am right now. I guess I'm just worried about the dark cloud still hanging over my head. It's like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like this won't really happen.