Fear / Excitement

19w3d.

I am so happy to have made it to the halfway point. Over the past week I've started to feel movement, which is exciting, but I'm also starting to feel some pressure, like the babies are very heavy on my pelvis. I am going to ask about this at my next high risk appointment (a week from now). It is our formal anatomy scan that day too. I am crossing my fingers that my cervix hasn't shortened.

Some days I am just filled with excitement and so focused on planning for these boys. Other days I am so scared. There have been too many twin losses lately on the message boards I read and post on. These women have lost their twins at 13, 19, 23 weeks. It is just devastating. Premature labor can happen to anyone -- and twins are at a much higher risk. It is so scary that you can make it this far and then deliver too early for your babies to survive.

I don't want to be paranoid throughout this pregnancy, and most days I am very optimistic. But it's just scary. I am so heartbroken for all of these women that have lost babies that could have survived if they were in there just a few more weeks.

I will breathe a small sigh of relief at 24 weeks, when they have at least a CHANCE of surviving. And every week after that should be a bit more comforting. But the time between now and then still feels a bit risky to me, and I don't want to feel this way. The bottom line is that anyone who gives birth to healthy babies is SO, so lucky. I'm not sure that people realize how lucky they are.

I am focusing on one day at a time. Right now I'm focusing on making it to my appointment next week and hoping my cervix and the babies look perfect. All I can do it cross my fingers and pray everything will continue to be okay.

I will NEVER take these babies for granted. It has been such a long road to get to this point and I will never forget how badly we want them.