Worst Blogger Ever = ME

Oh well. 3 month twins, that's my excuse. Things are generally going really well. I love it here and Maine in the summer is gorgeous. I definitely don't regret the move. Emily & Tom's wedding is this weekend! My parents are babysitting for 24 hours and I REALLY hope it goes well.

I'm making the time to write this today because I just need to vent about a few things. Sometimes writing things down helps clarify my thoughts and make a plan.

BREASTFEEDING. I am so, so torn. The babes BF a couple times a day but I'm mainly a pumper. I feel strongly about the babies getting breastmilk and I set a goal of 6 months. I'm more than halfway there and I feel like it's a marathon at this point but I'm trying so, so hard. There are many reasons why pumping works out better for me than BF and I don't feel like writing them all out, but pumping is killing me.

- My boobs HURT. All the time. The nip pain seems to be curable when I'm consistent with the Lanolin, but my boobs are just heavy and sore. I'm dying, DYING to get out there running again and even with 2 sportsbras, it's just too painful. They are too huge and heavy. So that's not happening.

- I can't sleep on my stomach. That's my favorite way to sleep at at this point it's been almost a year since I've been able to.

- Most of my pre-preg dresses and shirts fit perfectly everywhere but the boob area. So my clothing choices are really limited. I had the perfect outfit planned for the rehearsal dinner and the dress is too tight on the boobs.

- Finding time to pump during the day is REALLY hard. Inevitably at least one baby ends up crying while I'm pumping and it really sucks. I try to have them with me while I'm pumping so I can distract with a paci or something but it's hard.

- I also feel like I'm sacrificing valuable time with them when I'm constantly chained to the pump.

- It takes us FOREVER to get out of the house because I try to pump before I leave and then pack up the pump and bring the pump with me if we're going to be gone more than a few hours. I often have to pump in the car or be awkward and pump in a bedroom at someone's house and when I'm with the babies alone, the only option is to pump while they cry in the backseat.

- The biggest problem though is that I am so, SO tired. I have to pump overnight or else we don't have enough milk for them. So I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a block in THREE MONTHS. As someone who REALLY needs 9 hours to function, I am really dying here as the most I ever get is 6 or if I'm lucky, 7 and it is interrupted sleep which really isn't the same.

Like I said, this is only a vent because it is my CHOICE to give my babies breastmilk and I know most moms of twins supplement or exclusively FF. And I TOTALLY understand why they do it. But the babies seem to be thriving on BM and don't really like formula and honestly I think it's kind of gross. No offense to all the FF feeders out there because I understand there are a million reasons to choose formula over BF. I just don't know if it's the right thing to do yet. I need to gradually get them used to it at some point.

I love these babies more than anything and I am so, so grateful to finally have them. So I honestly hate to complain. I'm just tired. So, so tired. My body aches I'm so exhausted. I basically take care of them by myself from 6am -6pm M-F and even on their BEST days when they are super happy it is still just really draining. They do nap, but don't have a consistent schedule yet and they very rarely sleep at the same time. When they nap I do laundry, shower, get myself dressed, feed myself, or pump so it leaves VERY little time for work during the day. So when Phil gets home we make dinner and get the babies ready for bed which is often an ordeal, and then, instead of having downtime, I have to work. Again, this is only a vent because I WANT this part-time job. The job itself doesn't bother me at all and the money is totally worth the hour or 2 a day I spend on it. But I get NO downtime. EVER. No time to watch a movie or read in the sun or take a hot bath or go for a walk by myself. I am so spent and ready for bed by like 8pm and intead of sleeping, I have to work until bed and then it takes me some time to fall asleep because I had no time to relax, at ALL, before bed.

I don't know what the answer is. But it felt good to get that out. :)